Another Year Gone By
I recently turned 38. I've never really had issues with my age, but this year stung a little. However, I think it's less about a number and more about what has (or in my case, has not) happened during that time.
Husband and I spent my big day meeting with a social worker to determine if our home was safe for a child. It took us quite a bit to get to this point, yet it all flew by. We had a really encouraging meeting with an adoption agency recently and decided to take the big leap. We spent time filling out form after form, gathering references, completing online trainings, and writing about every aspect of our lives. After the enormous task of completing our home study paperwork for our agency, we were excited to overcome that hurdle...until we learned that our completed checklist was only the beginning of many more checklists. We then had to complete paperwork, Part I -- soon to be followed by paperwork, Part II. We had heard about the impending home visit but it seemed so far away. Suddenly we received an email from the social worker asking if she could come in one week's time. The only afternoon we all had free in common, as it so happened, was my birthday.
We spent the previous week in a whirlwind. While we thankfully managed to sneak away for a night in Kansas City, we were also in a zone. The garage was reorganized. The spare bedroom was sorted and tidied. Pictures were finally hung. While the home visit had the unintended benefit of forcing us to finally finish unpacking the house, it also made us hyper-aware. That sharp thing really needs to be on a high shelf, right? Should we get this cabinet lock or that one? Are our chemicals safely out of reach?
So everything was done and all we could do was wait. Someone we've never met was going to enter our home, ask us some very personal questions, and open any drawer or cabinet she wanted. Nothing was off limits. While the night before my birthday is normally an exciting time, this year it just felt strange. Knowing that this invasive thing would be happening was a reminder that our wish to have a family still hasn't been fulfilled. Suddenly being so close to 40 feels less like something to celebrate and more like a time to mourn what hasn't yet been or what may never be.
Thankfully, it all went well. The visit wasn't nearly as intimidating as we feared. The social worker was very kind and even wished me a happy birthday. She knew us well; it was clear she had taken the time to read our paperwork and ask insightful questions. After she left we were able to breathe a sigh of relief. We weren't out of the woods yet, but for the first time in awhile we could see the path out.
Husband and I spent my big day meeting with a social worker to determine if our home was safe for a child. It took us quite a bit to get to this point, yet it all flew by. We had a really encouraging meeting with an adoption agency recently and decided to take the big leap. We spent time filling out form after form, gathering references, completing online trainings, and writing about every aspect of our lives. After the enormous task of completing our home study paperwork for our agency, we were excited to overcome that hurdle...until we learned that our completed checklist was only the beginning of many more checklists. We then had to complete paperwork, Part I -- soon to be followed by paperwork, Part II. We had heard about the impending home visit but it seemed so far away. Suddenly we received an email from the social worker asking if she could come in one week's time. The only afternoon we all had free in common, as it so happened, was my birthday.
We spent the previous week in a whirlwind. While we thankfully managed to sneak away for a night in Kansas City, we were also in a zone. The garage was reorganized. The spare bedroom was sorted and tidied. Pictures were finally hung. While the home visit had the unintended benefit of forcing us to finally finish unpacking the house, it also made us hyper-aware. That sharp thing really needs to be on a high shelf, right? Should we get this cabinet lock or that one? Are our chemicals safely out of reach?
So everything was done and all we could do was wait. Someone we've never met was going to enter our home, ask us some very personal questions, and open any drawer or cabinet she wanted. Nothing was off limits. While the night before my birthday is normally an exciting time, this year it just felt strange. Knowing that this invasive thing would be happening was a reminder that our wish to have a family still hasn't been fulfilled. Suddenly being so close to 40 feels less like something to celebrate and more like a time to mourn what hasn't yet been or what may never be.
Thankfully, it all went well. The visit wasn't nearly as intimidating as we feared. The social worker was very kind and even wished me a happy birthday. She knew us well; it was clear she had taken the time to read our paperwork and ask insightful questions. After she left we were able to breathe a sigh of relief. We weren't out of the woods yet, but for the first time in awhile we could see the path out.
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