The Road Not Taken
Husband officially started back to work this week. It's been a settling-in process, but so far it's gone pretty smoothly. Some of his former customers still remember him and seem happy to have him back. As a result, we are finally ready to re-submit our home study; we hope to have everything ready before the new year.
As we reach this exciting milestone, it's hard to believe how far we've come since this summer. How has it already been six months since we made our first visit to the agency? Those six months have been the longest and the shortest in my life. Realizing how close we are to finally being on the table, knowing that a call could come anytime, is surreal. However, it also creates a lot of self-doubt. What if the call never comes? What if it comes but it's not right? What if it comes but doesn't become what we want it to be? The questions can become overwhelming, and it's hard not to wonder what would have happened if we had never started at all.
This weekend is graduation weekend at the local universities, and social media is full of celebration. In particular, there have been several colleagues and acquaintances of mine who have been defending their dissertations. My brother-in-law happens to have his coursework complete and just needs to finish his research, and two of my coworkers have just recently started their studies. Working towards my doctorate has been a distant aspiration for quite some time. I've looked into a few different programs but have never been able to move beyond that step. For one, Husband wants to pursue his Master's degree; I've had plenty of time to be a student, so in terms of finances and time his education should come first. Starting this adoption journey, though, became the priority. When deciding whether or not we should go for it, school was a consideration. Had we decided to no longer try for a family, we figured perhaps we could both even go back to school at the same time. In our current situation, school is still absolutely a given for Husband; one of the perks of returning to his job would be pay, making it financially feasible for him to slowly take classes. I refuse to let him give up on that because I know he'll be outstanding. I don't think I'm necessarily giving up on it for myself; perhaps it's just a dream deferred. Selfishly I'd like to have it all -- get to be a mother and eventually earn that one last degree for myself. Right now, though, I think my mind and heart can only handle hoping for one thing at a time.
Admittedly, it's hard to battle the what ifs. That first trip to the adoption agency set us on an unknown course that will, somehow, have an ending point. It may not be the end we want, but it's not a path that can go on forever. So maybe it's not about considering the road not taken; maybe it's just a detour along the way.
As we reach this exciting milestone, it's hard to believe how far we've come since this summer. How has it already been six months since we made our first visit to the agency? Those six months have been the longest and the shortest in my life. Realizing how close we are to finally being on the table, knowing that a call could come anytime, is surreal. However, it also creates a lot of self-doubt. What if the call never comes? What if it comes but it's not right? What if it comes but doesn't become what we want it to be? The questions can become overwhelming, and it's hard not to wonder what would have happened if we had never started at all.
This weekend is graduation weekend at the local universities, and social media is full of celebration. In particular, there have been several colleagues and acquaintances of mine who have been defending their dissertations. My brother-in-law happens to have his coursework complete and just needs to finish his research, and two of my coworkers have just recently started their studies. Working towards my doctorate has been a distant aspiration for quite some time. I've looked into a few different programs but have never been able to move beyond that step. For one, Husband wants to pursue his Master's degree; I've had plenty of time to be a student, so in terms of finances and time his education should come first. Starting this adoption journey, though, became the priority. When deciding whether or not we should go for it, school was a consideration. Had we decided to no longer try for a family, we figured perhaps we could both even go back to school at the same time. In our current situation, school is still absolutely a given for Husband; one of the perks of returning to his job would be pay, making it financially feasible for him to slowly take classes. I refuse to let him give up on that because I know he'll be outstanding. I don't think I'm necessarily giving up on it for myself; perhaps it's just a dream deferred. Selfishly I'd like to have it all -- get to be a mother and eventually earn that one last degree for myself. Right now, though, I think my mind and heart can only handle hoping for one thing at a time.
Admittedly, it's hard to battle the what ifs. That first trip to the adoption agency set us on an unknown course that will, somehow, have an ending point. It may not be the end we want, but it's not a path that can go on forever. So maybe it's not about considering the road not taken; maybe it's just a detour along the way.
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