The Waiting Game

There hasn't been a new post lately because, quite frankly, there's been nothing to report.  We are still waiting -- quite anxiously, on my part.  We had a few brief moments of hope when, just a week after our profile went live, we received word that our profile had been viewed.  There wouldn't be any sort of follow up unless we were invited to a match meeting, so unless the expectant parents offered any sort of specific feedback on our profile or book, we wouldn't hear anything else.  After nearly a week with no word I had resigned myself that it wasn't our time...and that day we received a second notification that someone else had viewed our profile.  Another surprise, another restless few days hoping to hear something.  A week later we received a monthly update from our agency, which apparently goes to all of the families.  It said there were two meetings with expectant parents and two match meetings.  Given that we hadn't taken part, it was clear we had in fact received a follow up -- it was confirmed that we weren't chosen either time.

I will admit, I had a rough night after receiving that email.  I withdrew from Husband, refusing to talk.  Honestly, I didn't really have anything to say.  Anyone who's ever not been chosen for something knows the feeling of disappointment and self-doubt; it's hard not to take it personally.  Realistically, I know that expecting to match only a week or two after going live was a long shot.  The agency even reminds hopeful families that not being chosen is not an indication of readiness or appeal of profile -- it's all about the right fit.  An expectant parent making the unbelievably difficult choice to take part in adoption is making a huge leap of faith, and it has to feel right.  We aren't going to be right for everyone, just like everyone won't be right for us.  We cannot compromise our boundaries out of desperation.

So now we keep waiting.  Given the probable rarity of two sets of expectant parents looking to match in a month, it's likely we won't be viewed again any time soon.  In the meantime we have to keep living our lives and try not to get consumed with constantly staring at the phone or checking email.  Easier said than done...