All I Have to Do is Dream
I bought a car seat last week.
I didn't intend to -- it just happened. A local resale store often offers brand-new products at good discounts, and they happened to have the exact car seat we researched at a really good price; it was straight out of the box, so bonus for the safety factor. We know the chances of being called for an immediate placement are slim, but of all the things needed to bring a baby home right away a car seat is probably one of the trickiest. So, throwing some caution to the wind and hoping for a dose of good karma, I bought the car seat.
It sat in the living room until Husband had a few days off to come home and see it in person. It's now sitting in the closet of what we hope will someday be the nursery. Staring at it for those few days was odd; it was odd just having it in the car on the way home from the store. I was reminded of my sister bringing home her three kids; in my mind I can see the pictures of all of them in their car seats, ready to be introduced to their new home (and dogs). I guess it would be one thing if I had bought some onesies or something, since those are so small and would be easy to overlook on a closet shelf. If they never got used, they could easily be re-sold or donated. I could have justified the purchases as putting the items aside for friends who may need them or for future baby showers. A car seat, though, is a whole different ball game. It's hard to overlook and even harder to worry about letting it go.
It may have been a coincidence, but not long after bringing the car seat home I had a dream about a baby boy. We were so excited to get to take him home, although our time with him included rushing around a store trying to find diapers and clothes. We were also learning how to feed him, and I recall measuring out formula and confidently announcing how much he would want. I know I felt unsure and anxious, but I also felt happy and...I don't know. Peaceful? Relieved? For one small moment I felt like I actually knew what I was doing and that it all made sense.
That night was not the first time I've dreamed of a baby. The first time actually happened not long before I met Husband. I dream almost every night and often those images are gone when I wake up, but this one stuck with me. I was holding a baby girl, and I knew without knowing that she was mine. Her smile was beautiful, and she had curly hair. I never forgot that little girl, and after meeting Husband I realized that the hair and eye color I recalled so clearly was the same as his.
So now every night I search my dreams for some kind of meaning, and every day I go into the room holding that car seat; it's tucked away as neatly as possible but I can't help but see it whenever I'm in there. I want to take it all as an omen, that perhaps good things will be coming our way soon. It won't be too much longer until we have to declare our intent to renew our home study, which would signify a year of waiting. In the adoption picture, a year isn't really that long. For me, though, it's been long enough.
I didn't intend to -- it just happened. A local resale store often offers brand-new products at good discounts, and they happened to have the exact car seat we researched at a really good price; it was straight out of the box, so bonus for the safety factor. We know the chances of being called for an immediate placement are slim, but of all the things needed to bring a baby home right away a car seat is probably one of the trickiest. So, throwing some caution to the wind and hoping for a dose of good karma, I bought the car seat.
It sat in the living room until Husband had a few days off to come home and see it in person. It's now sitting in the closet of what we hope will someday be the nursery. Staring at it for those few days was odd; it was odd just having it in the car on the way home from the store. I was reminded of my sister bringing home her three kids; in my mind I can see the pictures of all of them in their car seats, ready to be introduced to their new home (and dogs). I guess it would be one thing if I had bought some onesies or something, since those are so small and would be easy to overlook on a closet shelf. If they never got used, they could easily be re-sold or donated. I could have justified the purchases as putting the items aside for friends who may need them or for future baby showers. A car seat, though, is a whole different ball game. It's hard to overlook and even harder to worry about letting it go.
It may have been a coincidence, but not long after bringing the car seat home I had a dream about a baby boy. We were so excited to get to take him home, although our time with him included rushing around a store trying to find diapers and clothes. We were also learning how to feed him, and I recall measuring out formula and confidently announcing how much he would want. I know I felt unsure and anxious, but I also felt happy and...I don't know. Peaceful? Relieved? For one small moment I felt like I actually knew what I was doing and that it all made sense.
That night was not the first time I've dreamed of a baby. The first time actually happened not long before I met Husband. I dream almost every night and often those images are gone when I wake up, but this one stuck with me. I was holding a baby girl, and I knew without knowing that she was mine. Her smile was beautiful, and she had curly hair. I never forgot that little girl, and after meeting Husband I realized that the hair and eye color I recalled so clearly was the same as his.
So now every night I search my dreams for some kind of meaning, and every day I go into the room holding that car seat; it's tucked away as neatly as possible but I can't help but see it whenever I'm in there. I want to take it all as an omen, that perhaps good things will be coming our way soon. It won't be too much longer until we have to declare our intent to renew our home study, which would signify a year of waiting. In the adoption picture, a year isn't really that long. For me, though, it's been long enough.
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