Dark Day

Fans of the show "Gilmore Girls" will be familiar with the idea of a "dark day" -- one of the main characters, Luke, experiences it each year on the anniversary of his mother's passing.  For me, Mother's Day has become my dark day.  It's hard to watch celebrations of motherhood while feeling like I will never be worthy of such an honor.  Of course I celebrate my own wonderful mother, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, and I certainly agree that mothers deserve more than just one day a year to acknowledge all they do.  However, it's a glaring reminder of something that may never come to be.

The worst place to be on a dark day is social media.  Seeing so many posts of gratitude and adoration of mothers hurts deeply.  This year's dark day will be bittersweet; Husband will be away, so I get to/have to wallow all alone.  There was an early jab today when I saw a post in an adoption group I've joined.  The post was made by a woman who has already adopted three children and hopes to adopt one final time.  She has previously requested that group members who see situations that might fit for her family contact her.  On the one hand, that's the kind of networking that will make things happen and perhaps I need to take a lesson in being more assertive.  On the other hand, it's always rubbed me the wrong way given that she and her husband have matched multiple times while Husband and I seemingly can't get a second (or sometimes even a first) glance.  Today she came to the group looking for sympathy -- she felt so sad seeing others matching and wondering why not her?  I typed the response below ready to tear that sentiment apart, but I decided to be the bigger person and let her be.  After all, I teach students that feelings are feelings and they are valid; it's what we do with those feelings that can be problematic.  What kind of role model would I be to ignore that very sound advice?  However, I couldn't just let go of what I was feeling and needed to let it out:

"My husband and I are among those who have yet to even match once, and it feels like it may never happen. While I understand the sentiment of "why not me" and how painful it can feel, having three times of being "chosen" and deemed the "better" parent over another hopeful person is not something many of us have gotten to say...or may ever get to say. Everyone's situation is different. Things have to fit properly and comparisons are not clear cut, but for some Mother's Day this weekend will be a day of celebration; for others it's a day to avoid social media and the reminder of that feeling of being passed over. Of course you are welcome to pursue opportunities to complete your family; we all have that right. However, for some the rejection feels quite different. Perhaps a re-framing is in order; instead of constantly asking for others to direct you to situations that may complete your family, maybe you could also explore ways of paying it forward and doing the same for others who haven't been as fortunate."

I'm proud of myself for not being an instigator or causing unnecessary drama since I so dislike being caught in those situations myself. Hitting that "post" button wouldn't have really made me feel better, though it may have made someone feel worse. While I admit that frank, straightforward talk is sometimes necessary to make someone see things in a new light, I also realize that some will never change their perspectives. Instead of trying to guilt someone else into shifting her sympathy away from herself and towards me, I need to look inward and find a healthy way to reconcile my own feelings.