Knowing Your Limits
As if these last few days haven't given me enough to process, I read a story today about an adoptive family who "re-homed" their son after bringing him home from China five years ago. I use the term "re-home" only because it was theirs, not mine. This adoptive family discovered that their son had more issues than they initially realized, and they felt they could not adequately meet his needs.
It sounds like an undeniably difficult situation; surely that was an agonizing decision to make. However, there is more to the story. The family has an immense social media presence and have made an actual business out of sharing their lives; their posts are monetized. Their previous posts and quotes about adoption emphasized that their love for their son and their willingness to do whatever they needed for him. They are even quoted as saying that their son was "not returnable". So, what changed?
I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of this child's medical needs. However, this situation raises so many questions. What if they hadn't adopted him? What if he was their biological child and still presented with all of these conditions? Much of the push back focuses on that last point. Parents whose children have similar medical concerns cannot fathom making a choice like this; one commenter used the analogy of returning an item to a store with a gift receipt. The family's social media earnings have also come under fire, with many accusing them of using the child to gain likes and funds until they no longer needed him.
The backlash has been brutal. Is the level of acrimony deserved? I don't know. When it comes to stories like these I try to reserve judgement, because I know that what's first reported isn't always the full story. However, I do know that this situation is a clear reminder of the importance of due diligence as part of the adoption process. Our agency was very direct with us about determining our boundaries. We had to think very deeply about what we could and could not handle -- would we be able to deal with the additional complexities of an international adoption, what special needs would we be able or willing to take on, what did we feel was non-negotiable. We were reminded often that the expectant family has all of the control and that they may make choices we don't agree with...and there will be nothing we can do. If the expectant mother doesn't pursue proper prenatal care or uses drugs or drinks during her pregnancy -- no matter how we feel about it, we are helpless to intervene. Our agency made sure this was clear to us not to scare us, but to make sure we were seeing things realistically.
Our choice not to pursue foster to adopt or international adoption is for a reason. Others hoping to adopt may disagree or see us as not really wanting this enough, but this new controversy illustrates exactly why that's not the case. We realize that our boundaries may limit our opportunities; it will be harder to match with an expectant family when there may be fewer families whose expectations align with ours. That is the chance we have to take. Desperation can impede sound judgement, and as badly as we want a family we have to hold to what we know about ourselves. We can't overlook or underestimate what we can handle just to fulfill our dream, because in the end it will hurt everyone.
It sounds like an undeniably difficult situation; surely that was an agonizing decision to make. However, there is more to the story. The family has an immense social media presence and have made an actual business out of sharing their lives; their posts are monetized. Their previous posts and quotes about adoption emphasized that their love for their son and their willingness to do whatever they needed for him. They are even quoted as saying that their son was "not returnable". So, what changed?
I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of this child's medical needs. However, this situation raises so many questions. What if they hadn't adopted him? What if he was their biological child and still presented with all of these conditions? Much of the push back focuses on that last point. Parents whose children have similar medical concerns cannot fathom making a choice like this; one commenter used the analogy of returning an item to a store with a gift receipt. The family's social media earnings have also come under fire, with many accusing them of using the child to gain likes and funds until they no longer needed him.
The backlash has been brutal. Is the level of acrimony deserved? I don't know. When it comes to stories like these I try to reserve judgement, because I know that what's first reported isn't always the full story. However, I do know that this situation is a clear reminder of the importance of due diligence as part of the adoption process. Our agency was very direct with us about determining our boundaries. We had to think very deeply about what we could and could not handle -- would we be able to deal with the additional complexities of an international adoption, what special needs would we be able or willing to take on, what did we feel was non-negotiable. We were reminded often that the expectant family has all of the control and that they may make choices we don't agree with...and there will be nothing we can do. If the expectant mother doesn't pursue proper prenatal care or uses drugs or drinks during her pregnancy -- no matter how we feel about it, we are helpless to intervene. Our agency made sure this was clear to us not to scare us, but to make sure we were seeing things realistically.
Our choice not to pursue foster to adopt or international adoption is for a reason. Others hoping to adopt may disagree or see us as not really wanting this enough, but this new controversy illustrates exactly why that's not the case. We realize that our boundaries may limit our opportunities; it will be harder to match with an expectant family when there may be fewer families whose expectations align with ours. That is the chance we have to take. Desperation can impede sound judgement, and as badly as we want a family we have to hold to what we know about ourselves. We can't overlook or underestimate what we can handle just to fulfill our dream, because in the end it will hurt everyone.
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