Unintended Consequences
Our adoption agency requires 60 days notice to renew our home study. In two weeks we will hit that 60 day notice...which means we will be almost a year into our adoption journey.
In some ways it seems to have gone quickly; in other ways it feels like it's been forever. We knew that deciding to adopt wouldn't immediately lead to a match, and having been in this for almost a year isn't unusual for most hopeful adoptive families. The odds of a quick match were unlikely, and even though we went through those first initial views of our profile we've tried really hard to manage our expectations. Knowing we have almost hit the milestone of renewing our home study, though, stings. The passing of a year signifies one less year available for us to experience family. A year of heartbreak and disappointment is scary, and we don't know where we go from here. We've agreed for sure to this renewal, but beyond that we just don't know. How much optimism do we have left?
A year also leaves a lot of time to think. Lately my thoughts are on the things that, even with a successful match, won't ever happen. I won't ever know what it feels like to be pregnant and to experience a baby move and kick inside me. I won't get to celebrate (or be scared of) the changes in my body. I won't get to announce a due date or have a gender reveal. I won't get to have a baby shower (I know some families who match do have one, but my fear that something could go wrong or that the adoption will fail keeps me from tempting fate). I don't want to be selfish; I realize that all of those things don't mean much in the big scheme of things -- being a mom is more than those small moments. However, it still feels a bit unfair. I'm not owed any of that, but after coming to terms with not being able to conceive I've realized there are so many other things by extension I've lost too. I thought I had done well with my grief, but I guess I have to be ready for when unexpected things pop up that put me back in my feelings.
In some ways it seems to have gone quickly; in other ways it feels like it's been forever. We knew that deciding to adopt wouldn't immediately lead to a match, and having been in this for almost a year isn't unusual for most hopeful adoptive families. The odds of a quick match were unlikely, and even though we went through those first initial views of our profile we've tried really hard to manage our expectations. Knowing we have almost hit the milestone of renewing our home study, though, stings. The passing of a year signifies one less year available for us to experience family. A year of heartbreak and disappointment is scary, and we don't know where we go from here. We've agreed for sure to this renewal, but beyond that we just don't know. How much optimism do we have left?
A year also leaves a lot of time to think. Lately my thoughts are on the things that, even with a successful match, won't ever happen. I won't ever know what it feels like to be pregnant and to experience a baby move and kick inside me. I won't get to celebrate (or be scared of) the changes in my body. I won't get to announce a due date or have a gender reveal. I won't get to have a baby shower (I know some families who match do have one, but my fear that something could go wrong or that the adoption will fail keeps me from tempting fate). I don't want to be selfish; I realize that all of those things don't mean much in the big scheme of things -- being a mom is more than those small moments. However, it still feels a bit unfair. I'm not owed any of that, but after coming to terms with not being able to conceive I've realized there are so many other things by extension I've lost too. I thought I had done well with my grief, but I guess I have to be ready for when unexpected things pop up that put me back in my feelings.
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