The Social Network

In previous posts I've briefly discussed social media -- seeing things that can be triggers, trying to promote ourselves to expectant families, and the like.  While I've been able to stop myself from constantly checking my email for messages from our adoption agency, I've found myself spending even more time online.  On our agency's advice, we've been doing alternate networking to try and match; social media is a popular choice for hopeful adoptive parents.  Many of them have their own websites touting their profiles, Facebook pages, ready-made social media posts, and more.  There are so many groups one can join that exist for the sole purpose of creating a space for connection.  It can be very overwhelming.

I've only joined private groups because I don't want our journey to be our sole focus.  I realize that by keeping it somewhat private I may be missing on potential opportunities, but I feel like I have to draw a line somewhere.  As it is, there are numerous groups I've joined and I'm seeing constant posts all day long.  Checking my email has now been replaced by checking for posts.  While some are about resources or news stories of interest, the majority are hopeful adoptive parents sharing about themselves in the hopes of catching someone's eye.  Many of the same hopeful parents join the same groups, so we see constantly see each other.

Sometimes these groups share about specific situations concerning expectant families.  As soon as these hit, the responses are overwhelming.  Part of me gets that the only way to be considered is to put yourself out there, but another part of me feels sick over it all.  Why does adoption feel like such a competition?

Last night a situation posted that was one state over.  The birth mother would prefer to match with someone near her so the adoption could remain open.  It seemed like a good fit so I added a comment.  I then felt my stomach drop as another comment appeared...then another...then another.  Over 30 comments  appeared in less than 20 minutes.  Within the hour there were over 100 comments.  This morning it was up to almost 200.  I felt so lost in the crowd.  I also immediately felt like it was my fault, that I didn't say the right things to make us stand out.  Why didn't I mention this fact or that one, or add more photos?  Some couples had ready-made graphics to share.  There were some who had a personal connection to the expectant mother's state.  Others had heartbreaking stories of loss or illness that made any of my struggles seem insignificant.  I questioned whether I should have said more, yet what more could I have said in comparison to someone who has lost a spouse or survived cancer and is now hoping for the same thing as me?  How do I make myself appear more worthy when, in the big scheme of things, I have had such an easy journey?  Why do I feel a twinge of jealousy towards hopeful parents who already have children and secretly think it's unfair since they at least have one child?  Oh, that couple is from Missouri too?  That must immediately lower my chances of adopting close to home, right?  At the same time I hated feeling that way -- this expectant mother is facing such a difficult moment and here I was thinking about how to make her "choose" me.  I also know that just because a family has adopted once or welcomed a biological child already does not mean that they aren't worthy of adding to their families; I feel horrible even questioning whether they are deserving because of course they are.  Feeling angry and then feeling guilty about being angry is a vicious cycle.  This part of the adoption journey has been perhaps the hardest to deal with.  Waiting is terrible, and as uncomfortable as it is to not feel in control there's a least a sense of not feeling responsible when things don't work out; I can only control what I can control.  Trying to self-match, though, is such emotional turmoil.  It causes so much self-doubt and really brings one's boundaries into question.  How far are we willing to go...and can we feel okay with ourselves about it?