Maintaining Character

Over the last few weeks we've been surrounded by pregnancy and birth announcements.  It still stings to hear about other couples getting pregnant or welcoming a child, but we do the best we can.  It's been especially hard because in some cases we weren't hearing the news from the families themselves; we were hearing the news from our own family.

Two of my mother's good friends recently found out they were going to become grandparents, and in my mother's excitement for them she assumed we would share the sentiment.  Neither time was intentionally malicious, but it was still hurtful.  After the first announcement -- my mother called just to make sure we had seen the couple share the news on Facebook, and we had to tell her we had seen it and were processing it -- I thought it would be ok.  We couldn't hide from the reality of babies being born to others, but as I pointed out to her it was hard to jump for joy when getting pregnant came seemingly so easy for them.  We don't need to be shielded from these kinds of things, but we shouldn't be expected to share in the happiness just to save face.

Not long after Husband and I joined a Happy Hour Zoom with my parents and several old friends from around the country.  During a lull in the conversation my mother announced that another couple who weren't in the call were going to be grandparents.  Husband and I had to hide our reactions since we were on camera, but it was hard not to show our sadness.  We sat numbly, only partially following the conversation, as we swallowed our hurt and tried to put on pleasant faces for the crowd.  My mother texted me a few minutes later to apologize, but in that moment we weren't ready to just let it go.  We needed that night to once again deal with our disappointment and fear that we'd never have a family.

I've found it hard balancing my feelings with those of others.  I don't like not being able to fully feel joy or excitement for others, nor is it easy to hide my reactions to others.  Two coworkers were thrown a grandparent shower last year and at one point I had to excuse myself from the room.  It's not fair to myself to live that way, and my disappointment shouldn't steal from someone else's happiness.  That being said, I hope that living this situation will make me more empathetic to others.  Who is to say that if this finally happens for us and I get to celebrate motherhood that I won't be making someone else feel how I feel now?  This experience has taught me a lot, including some very unexpected lessons.