Warning Signs

I've noticed a trend in the adoption groups lately -- more and more hopeful adoptive parents report being scammed.  There is one woman in particular who is notorious for this; she was even featured on Dr. Phil's television show.  For someone to prey on the emotions of hopeful parents like that is despicable.  However, it raises some interesting questions as to why these scams are so prevalent...and successful.

Sometimes the scam is uncovered early, with the only cost being pride.  Sometimes, though, the scam goes much further and there is significant financial loss on top of the emotional turmoil.  People report losing thousands of dollars in these schemes.  There are even social media groups dedicated to identifying and ending scams.  It would be insensitive to pass judgment on those who have fallen victim, and I give credit to those who are willing to share their experiences to keep it from happening to someone else.  With so many dedicated to ending such a harmful practice, why does it keep happening -- and, more importantly, why does it keep happening successfully?

Like anything on the internet, due diligence is key.  Some scams are apparent at the outset, making them easy to avoid.  However, some are a bit more sophisticated.  The ones that cause the most damage are the ones that manipulate emotion.  Even hopeful adoptive parents who would normally consider themselves logical and clear-headed may have a hard time turning down a seemingly golden opportunity.  Being offered a glimmer of hope during a long, exhausting journey makes it easier to cast aside doubts or see red flags until it's too late.  While I can certainly understand the euphoria that comes with an expectant parent making contact, I also see how too much hope -- or, dare I say, desperation -- can cloud someone's view.  We see it all the time in attempts to match on social media; an expectant parent states preferences, yet many hopeful families who don't meet those criteria respond "just in case".  Despite it being pointed out that these extraneous responses are overwhelming and disrespectful to an expectant parent who has thought very carefully about this decision, the trend persists.  Believe me, I understand the impulse.  Posted adoption situations don't happen every day, so the urge to maximize opportunity is there.  Similarly, posts offering congratulations on matches always garner variations of, "Oh, I wish it were me!  I hope someday it will be my turn!"  It is easy to feel jealous and overlooked when there are so many more hopeful adoptive parents than expectant parents. However, when hopeful parents center their own desires and needs it creates a situation that can easily lead to manipulation.  It is definitely hard to understand how someone can be so cruel as to play with others' emotions, but if that someone gets a sick thrill out of doing so then groups like these offer too many potential victims.  Hope should still spring eternal but not at the cost of maintaining realism.

However, I was also recently nudged to a different view.  There is a birth mother in one of the groups who still posts regularly, to answer questions and show support.  She also recently celebrated her son's first birthday, and it was lovely to see her relationship with the adoptive family.  When it comes to scams, she has started to remind people that it's not just expectant parents who are the perpetrators; she noted how many birth parents end up losing contact once the adoption papers have been signed, meaning once the adoptive parents get what they want they have no need for the birth parents anymore.  This is something our agency works hard to avoid by constantly reminding hopeful parents that expectant parents are not simply a means to an end.  By this birth mother amplifying the view from the other side, she is sharing an important message about how emotional damage can run both ways.  It once again leads back to desperation -- adoptive parents make promises, but do they truly mean them or do they just say what others want to hear in order to get what they want?  I don't want to make that a general statement because I know there are so many families with amazingly open relationships.  It's hard to hear about this reality, but it is also essential.  Adoption is already such an emotional journey; no one should knowingly or purposefully make it harder.