Decisions

Not long ago Husband saw a social media post from an old friend announcing his recent adoption.  Husband was happy for him and reached out to offer his congratulations, and he decided to ask about the particulars -- how long did it take, how did his friend match, etc.  The friend was very gracious in answering questions, including mentioning that he and his husband were signed with an agency (and it turns out they worked with our agency for their home study).  Given there has been little happening with our agency lately, we decided to explore this new avenue further.  We knew our agency wouldn't mind; they even encourage additional networking.  We filled out the free application and made an appointment for a consultation.

The Zoom went well.  The director of the agency was an adoptive parent himself, and it was his experience adopting with the agency that led him to become part of the organization.  He discussed how the agency connects with expectant mothers across the country and he says that with our already-completed home study and our openness in terms of preferences our profile would be shown quite often.  The agency offers a two-year contract, but he is confident we would match within a year.  On the off chance we don't, he says that once we are 15 months into the contract we would be placed on a "hot list" for fast adoptions that would increase our chances.  Based on their model, the agency boasts a 95-98% match rate.

On the surface, it sounds like a dream.  Not surprisingly though, things aren't always what they seem.  We immediately had to wonder about the ability to practically guarantee a successful adoption -- we've already learned that on this journey there really aren't any guarantees.  One way they mitigate this concern is by promising to promote us in numerous ways...at a steep cost.  Although we would receive a military discount, the price to join the agency is high.  It is relative, of course; it's no more than what we would pay our current agency if we matched.  However, with this new agency the cost is paid upfront.  It is a huge gamble, both financially and emotionally.  What if we pay this fee and end up matching with our current agency first?  Our money would be gone.  Of course, it would seem the likelihood of a match with the new agency is higher than with our current agency.  We're not sure that's enough of a reassurance before giving a good chunk of our savings away.

One of the reasons we went with our current agency was proximity.  We knew limiting our options to just a few states was risky, but we are realistic with our ability to drop everything and travel.  It's one thing to drive a few hours away for a birth; it's another to have to board a plane.  The reality that COVID 19 isn't going away any time soon exacerbates this concern, since it's even harder to leave work now.  Preparing for a substitute (if there's even one available) is harder than ever.  Ideally we'd know a due date and have time to prepare, but we'd also have to be ready to expect the unexpected.

We also worry about how the expectant mothers are treated.  Do they receive the support and guidance they need to make the right choice for themselves, or are they treated as a means to an end?  It's always made us uneasy to see adoption as a business, and the last thing we want is to match but with a caveat.  We wouldn't feel right compromising our beliefs about expectant mothers just to get what we want...although many others clearly do.  On the other hand, we are afraid that we are really just being naïve and are upholding an impossible ideal.

It's a really difficult decision.  We hate that it comes down to money, but let's be real -- if we could be part of this new agency without signing such a large check it wouldn't even be a question.  Are we doing the right thing by staying the course, or are we the ones getting in our own way?  We have a big decision to make, and right now I have no idea which way it will go.