Age Is More Than a Number

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We spent last night lounging on the couch watching Netflix -- a common occurrence during this pandemic.  Rosa was happy to have us in one place at one time, so she could alternately play with the strings on our sweatshirts, run back and forth across us, and curl up in our laps.  At one point Husband scooped her up and she fell asleep in his arms.  She's done that before, and every time I can't help but wonder what it would be like to hold a child the same way.  It's wistful thinking at this point, and while I don't want it to diminish our adoration of Rosa (or make it seem like a baby would cause us to forget all about her), the comparisons just jump out.

At a lull I got on Facebook and saw a post from Husband's family member who recently announced her pregnancy.  On Thanksgiving they did their gender reveal and announced they were having a boy; while I understood wanting to do the reveal on a day when they were with family (although COVID was the exact reason we chose not to be with family and stay home alone, but that's another argument for another day), it just felt like something else in our lives had been taken over by someone's baby news.  Last night she posted on a thread and it somehow came up that by the time her son would be 18, she would be 39.  That really was a punch in the gut to me.  Here I am, 39 and childless and losing hope, and she is getting to have what I want at a much younger age without seemingly have to try.  This is not, to be clear, a dig at young mothers -- it's not about that.  It is, though, about me becoming increasingly anxious as the days and years wear on that it's too late for me.  I've never really felt old before, but seeing this reminder made me realize I've got even less time for the things I want in life.  I'm scared I'll hit that milestone 40th birthday next year and will also be in the midst of renewing our home study yet again and have all of these negative emotions crash into me all at once.  Her comment last night set off this timer in my life that I didn't even know existed, yet now all I can see are the numbers slowly counting down.

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