Waiting is the Hardest Part

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Tomorrow will mark exactly two weeks since that unexpected phone call.  It's been a whirlwind for sure.  After a flurry of paperwork and emails, things have been relatively quiet.  We've sent an email to the expectant mother that hasn't been returned, although we understand that.  We also know she had a doctor's appointment earlier this week, but we've not yet received any information about how it went.  Although we've done a few odds and ends -- purchased a bassinet, visited a pediatrician, contacted a pet sitter -- we're otherwise in a bit of a lull until we know more.

Now that the initial excitement as worn off, a steady sense of anxiety has set in.  Each day that passes without any new information is worrisome, and my mind immediately goes to the worst possible scenario.  What if the agency has lost contact with the expectant mother? What if she didn't make it to her doctor's appointment?  What if she's already changed her mind?  I realize that I can't expect or demand immediate information when none is available, and the agency has much more to do than contact me every day.  However, I can't help but constantly be scared and awaiting the other shoe to drop.  In some ways, this wait is worse than the wait to actually match; the pressure in this situation doesn't dissipate.  We've only told those who are close to us or who need to know, and in the back of my mind I dread the possibility of having to share bad news with them after the joy of celebrating with them.

I also know that logically I have to lower my expectations.  We hear all the time that the only certainty in adoption is the uncertainty.  Admittedly, I don't do well with that; Husband knows that if he's going to surprise me he is better off not even telling me a surprise is coming because the unknown is so hard for me.  Now all I have time to do is ponder the unknown, and it's a stressful existence.  In waiting to match I wasn't so shocked when a day went by with no news; now, a quiet day is a reason to quietly panic a little more inside.  I know this isn't about me and the goal is to support the expectant mother, not me.  However, I do better on roller coasters when I can at least see the end of the ride.

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