A Slightly Less Dark Day

A year ago I wrote about Mother's Day being my dark day -- a time to hide from social media and the world.  What a difference a year makes...or does it?  Being matched this year gives me a glimmer of hope for next year, but it also gives me pause.  What if things fall through and next year is the darkest yet?  I try not to think about that, but if I said it didn't consume all of my thoughts I'd be lying.

I realize, though, that even if I get to celebrate next year I need to be more mindful of those who don't.  I've seen a greater number of posts about being sensitive on Mother's Day towards those who have lost mothers or children or who have yet to become mothers.  I appreciate the sentiment, but perhaps it needs to be shouted out even louder.  While that extra bit of tact is helpful one day of the year, what about the rest?  I always cringe when I'm part of a conversation that centers around children because I dread the inevitable question of whether we have them or want them.  My stock answer is that wanting something is not always enough; I certainly don't want to make the asker uncomfortable, but I also question whether it's my job to make them feel better if they ask something without thinking.  Making our adoption journey public has helped with this somewhat, but I find myself torn when people check in with us about how it's going.  I am grateful they care enough to ask, but sometimes the asking is more uncomfortable than the silence.  Many think we are just starting out on the journey and don't realize that sharing out was our way of trying to process having already waited almost two years.  Their encouraging platitudes sometimes ring hollow, especially if they come on an especially discouraging day.  I try hard to educate those who ask about the realities of the process, and one of the things that I've learned that I would want to pass along is that no one should ever assume anything.  I was guilty of it myself until I became the one being assumed about.  Though it is hard to see others announce pregnancies or adoption finalizations, I have to remember that I know nothing of their path.  I try to stay strong and keep up a positive front, but who's to say they aren't doing the same?  All I want for Mother's Day is to be someone's mother, a wish I know I share with countless others.  Until then, I need to take what I've learned on this journey to make me a better person -- not mother, but person.