A Line in the Sand

Recently Husband and I had to confront the first real pushback against our family.  It's hard to relive the details here, but we were reminded why adoption is considered traumatic and why transracial adoption is seen as unethical.  Instead of racism against Little Man, we are battling those who see us as the racists.  How dare we rip Little Man from his Black community in a show of white saviorism?  Clearly we used our power of position and wealth in society to get what we wanted, consequences be damned.  None of this was said to our faces, but the message was clear.

If this was a movie, this is the part where I (as the protagonist) would give my impassioned monologue to a hardened and cynical crowd. Soft music would crescendo as those who doubted me would begin to murmur and give each other glances that indicated their emotions were softening.  As the music culminates into a triumphant roar I'd smile warmly, grateful for the resolution and shared understanding.  Pretty inspiring, right?

The problem is that I can't do that.  As painful as it is, I have to sit here and accept the hurt we have caused -- even to people we don't know.  For all of the support we've received since welcoming Little Man, this instance is a reminder that there are many who see us as the villains.  Some would even argue that this blog isn't about growth or change, but rather about exploiting Little Man to show how "woke" we are.  In a system built on discrimination, we are considered just another example of why things will never change.  What we feel as love others decry as privilege...and in this Venn diagram the two circles can never overlap.

There is a strong anti-adoption movement that accuses anyone involved as perpetuating trauma in what is equated to child trafficking; they believe that money spent in adoption should be given to birth parents to help them raise the children.  This trauma is multiplied when the adoption is transracial.  While there is much to unpack here (best left for another time), it is hard to hear that as an adoptive parent.  We didn't choose to adopt to save anyone, although I guess in a way we did it to save ourselves. Being unable to conceive is a cruel reality, and the thought of infertile couples not being able to be parents due to biological factors outside of anyone's control and simply being told, "Well, that's too bad!" seems more than unfair.  However, it appears that for some that's exactly what should have happened to us.

I do not have the power to resolve these conflicting viewpoints, and even if I did I'm not sure I could -- there are too many valid emotions involved.  I also have to remind myself that for the pushback we have received and will continue to face, there are those who also remind us that love is love.  For now all we can do is listen, learn, and be reflective rather than defensive.  This debate isn't about us, and centering ourselves is exactly the opposite of what is best...even when our feelings and reputation are at stake.  Our focus needs to remain on Little Man and doing what's best for him.  We can't naively go on thinking that love is enough, but it's a good place to start.