Changes

24 weeks.  

That's how long we've been parents.  The day we met Little Man seems like a lifetime ago.  We often find ourselves looking at pictures from that time, and every time we are shocked at how much he has grown.  We miss the days of cuddling him all day long...until night comes and we realize how amazing it feels to put him in his crib, watch him over the monitor as he gets comfortable (often with his butt up in the air), and we all go to sleep.  This age is so fun; we love making him laugh and smile, and we are so excited as he races through milestones.  Being home with him has afforded me the chance to observe the minutiae of each little change.

However, all good things must come to an end.  Little Man starts daycare tomorrow, and a few days after I head back to work.  These last few days have been odd as I alternately soak up the moments with him and prepare myself for having to say good bye each morning.  I've always been a "rip the band aid off" kind of person, so I imagine I'll be wanting to hurry out the daycare door tomorrow morning and avoiding looking back so the moment of dread can pass as quickly as possible.  I know he will be fine and that I will also be fine.  Still, it's a milestone I'm not quite ready to process.  On the frustrating days I've dreamed of having time to myself and talking to other people, and I also look forward to finally meeting students -- daycare will be great!  He will be in wonderful hands and I'll be able to focus on teaching.  However, I worry.  What if he doesn't nap or eat well?  What if he crawls or takes his first steps and I miss it?  Working parent guilt is very real.

I realize, though, that I would regret just staying at home with him.  That is nothing against those who do!  There are times where I think I could do it myself.  There are other times, though, where I realize it would be too hard for both of us.  The frustration of hard days and the monotony of life with an infant can be very isolating.  Perhaps becoming a parent during COVID has influenced my perspective, but if I'm truly being honest with myself I would feel this way regardless.  I also have to balance this with how it must feel for Husband; he was fortunate to have time with us during Little Man's first weeks, but he was also pulled back to work much earlier than he wanted.  There are days he wonders about what it would be like be the stay at home parent, and I don't doubt he would be wonderful.  That being said, there are emotional and financial factors that are necessitating this new stage.  I need to be back at work, and Little Man needs to meet new people and have new experiences.  I shouldn't dwell on the difficulty in saying good bye each morning; instead I should look forward to the joy when I say hello each afternoon.  This will be good for all of us.

I also am so grateful to even have the chance to stay home with him for as long as I did.  Most people don't get nearly that long, and I don't take that for granted; lack of parental leave is a soapbox for another day, but I acknowledge that my feelings about this transition are impacted by the absolute privilege I have here.  I had friends, colleagues, administrators, and more who made it possible for me to spend these last months focused just on family.  As hard as it will be to make this change, it is so much easier doing so when surrounded by such support.  There will be tears tomorrow, but there will also be smiles.