Tired

The school year is finally over.  I have intentions of doing more writing this summer, but sadly I find myself drawn to the kinds of topics no one ever wants to think about.  The recent rise in shootings -- particular at Robb Elementary school in Uvalde, Texas -- has once again put the spotlight on education and teachers.  At this point I feel nothing but tired...

    ...tired of the misconception that teachers are always part of the problem.

    ...tired of the fear that one day I will literally be responsible for the lives of my students. 

    ...tired of being told what I teach can't be trusted but that I should absolutely be trusted with a firearm.

    ...tired of calling out for help and solutions only to have it turned back around on us, with the result being even more added to our list of responsibilities.

After the intense pressure of teaching through another year during the pandemic and seeing what it's done to fellow educators, I welcomed the end of this school year.  However, to process the tragedy in Uvalde instead left a grey cloud over what is typically a celebratory time.  Watching the responses from the local authorities and the attempt to blame the shooting on a teacher propping open a door (an act that is now being called into question), it's amazing that there are any of us willing to come back next year.  We give everything we have and it's still not enough.  The notion that schools alone shoulder the burden of stopping school shootings is preposterous, and when we try to do what we can with what we have we are still vilified.  Our curriculum is torn apart by those who hear only what they want to hear, our attempts to keep students safe from Covid are mocked as oppressive, a shooting happens and the focus is solely on what we should have done to save the day.  Personal freedom is only free for those who can either afford it or those who are free from being accountable for others, it seems. Teachers aren't good enough to teach students, but we are good enough to take a bullet for them.  The number of teachers leaving the profession is skyrocketing, and those of us left behind are already bearing the weight of what next year might bring.

I didn't become a teacher to literally put my life on the line for my students.  Perhaps that makes me selfish or a coward, but I know my limitations; I'd be in a completely different line of work otherwise.  I worry about how I will react in an emergency situation, and no amount of preparation can overcome the body's fight/flight/freeze instincts.  The fact that we even have to prepare leaves me riddled with anxiety.  As I worry about how to protect someone else's children I have to trust that someone would step up to protect my own child.  Despite passionate pleas from those of us who are in the classroom day in and day out, we are stymied by those who actually have the ability to do something and simply don't.  I'm not saying or suggesting anything groundbreaking here; these same thoughts have been shared numerous times by numerous people.   It is exhausting to feel unheard and unappreciated and -- ultimately -- expendable.