Know Thyself

Little Man is in a whirlwind of discovery. Each day lately has brought something new -- a word, a song, something that makes him laugh. We have delighted in this stage with him. While it does come with big feelings and the frustration that comes with learning to communicate and to be understood, it also comes with a self-awareness that is both incredible and startling.

At bedtime we always say good night to a picture of his birth mother. For now we call her by her first name, since we've never really had the chance to discuss otherwise. When we first started the tradition he would simply look at the picture; sometimes he would quietly wave. However, recently he has started to call her picture "mama", which causes all sorts of feelings. I am glad he is starting to build an association with her, and whenever he says it I agree with him and tell him that yes, she is his birth mother. Granted, he has seen books with mothers in them and will sometimes say "mama" to them as well. I guess there is a characteristic of some sort that he thinks they share with me (or vice versa). To hear it in relation to his birth mother, though, feels different. I don't necessarily think it is jealousy; I suppose it's more complex than that. As he gets older he is going to have to navigate having two people with a similar title in his life with whom he has had vastly different experiences. To call someone "mama" and to understand what that means are two very different things.

One way he is going to have to reconcile this is by what he sees. Tonight we read "Chocolate Me!" by Taye Diggs, a story about a young Black boy learning to embrace what he sees in the mirror. It is certainly not the first book we've read with Black characters; it's not even the first time we've read this particular book. However, tonight as we read he suddenly called that boy by his own name. There is so much research out there that suggests children see race far earlier in life than we think, but to watch the first signs of it click in Little Man's mind was a moment of both pride and anxiety. He is growing up so fast, and while I never want him to lose his joyous curiosity I realize questions can lead to answers we don't always want...or answers that are out of our reach. His growing self-awareness is pushing me to become more aware as well.