The Internet Wars: Parenting Edition

Recently I stumbled across a post on social media that really got me thinking as a parent.  To paraphrase, it asked why parents expect children to follow instructions at first ask but when a child is asking for something it is acceptable to say, "Just a minute!" before following through.  Now, the rest of the post was using this analogy to encourage parents to look up from phones/screens and engage with the children.  This I don't have an issue with -- while there are there absolutely are moments where parents need a break to recalibrate and regulate, parental engagement is essential.  However, it also got me paying closer attention to my interactions with Little Man.

I can see the point about having contrasting expectations; I certainly don't want Little Man to spend his teenage years with his head buried in his phone and know that he will look to me as a model.  Since reading that post, though, I've heard how many times I've asked Little Man to wait a moment or didn't immediately respond to a statement or question of his.  If any of those times had been because something on my phone was more important, I'd welcome the chance for growth...except none of them were.  They came when I was trying to get dinner on the table, or putting away a few toys that were dangerously close to becoming tripping hazards, or making a grab for the cat before she ran out an open door, or... In other words, I find myself saying it when I'm taking on Little Man and the world all at the same time.  

These reflections reminded me of another social media post that also seemed well-intentioned but needed deeper unpacking.  A husband showed a picture of his wife working out in a toy- and laundry-strewn living room, and he was saying how proud he was that despite everything that needed to be done she was taking time for herself.  Sweet sentiment, right?  Except the comments focused less on her taking time for self-care and more on why she was the one who needed a break from doing all of those things when she had a partner with enough time to make social media posts who could have jumped right in.  I won't get into the dynamics of anyone's relationship -- I've always said how fortunate I am to have such an amazing partner in Husband.  However, when it's just Little Man and I and there isn't a partner to rely on in the moment, choices have to be made.  Nap time for Little Man could mean nap time for me, but then that would mean having to find another time to tackle the laundry.  Of course I want to pick up Little Man and give him hugs whenever he asks, but not when the request comes right as I'm standing over a frying pan that could very quickly burn or spatter or boil over.  I'd love to see Little Man's latest drawing as soon as it's complete, but that's hard to do when I just can't wait anymore and finally have to take a moment to use the bathroom.  In other words, the implication that not immediately addressing Little Man's needs comes from selfishness rather than necessity is bothersome.  Admittedly, there are times where I am completely touched out and hearing him call for me ad nauseum leaves me feeling a definite kind of way.  On the other hand, I could stand to really reexamine what I define as necessity.  Parenting guilt over balance is very real and extremely complex, and if I had the answers I'd be in a much different headspace.  The first step, though, is for that guilt to not come from a stranger on the internet who has the ability to control -- or, if I may venture, to manipulate -- the narrative.  Do some people have it more together than others?  Maybe, or at least that's what they claim.  I suppose I'll never know for sure.  There is some small part of me that truly believes that any parent I see that seems to have it all together has moments of chaos as well; I don't take comfort in that per se, yet I kind of sort of do.  I don't revel in someone else's hard time, but I find some relief in being able to relate.  The true story is that there will never be enough hours in the day for anyone...well, except for maybe Beyoncé.

(Special thanks to my sister for providing me with this perfect closure from @KizzyPhD).