A Losing Game

Recently on Twitter I saw a random post that caught my eye. The original poster started by asking mothers to name the most "mom" thing they've ever done, only to follow it up with a story about driving herself to the ER in excruciating pain because she didn't want to wake her toddler or newborn or even her husband.  There were questions about why, and she eventually clarified that she wanted to ensure her husband would stay with the children rather than try to find childcare in the middle of the night.  At that point, though, the floodgates had opened. Those that responded to the original tweet shared similar and increasingly more severe examples -- driving to ERs with broken limbs because one of their children needed something first, delaying seeking treatment for illness or injury until after their children were dropped at school/completed a ball game/danced in a recital/etc., and more. It became a bizarre competition where the only prize appeared to be admiration at suffering the most as a way to prove that the family's needs came before all else.

I found this whole tone of thinking baffling for so many reasons. Some of my frustration revolved around the mothers' condescension towards the fathers. Many of the stories were from woman having to (or, I suppose, choosing to) remain in charge of everyone's lives from hospital beds, implying that otherwise everything would fall apart under the hapless direction of their husbands. This insulting trope, which I've written about before, creates this unreasonable expectation that a mother has to be everything to everyone else at her own expense (which I've also previously explored). To feel like there is no other choice but to be the ultimate manager even from a sick bed because who else will implies that these women have partners who can't or won't share the physical and mental load -- due to either real or weaponized incompetence.  There is also the implication, at least from some of the stories, that allowing someone else to head up the household is not even an option; perhaps it is less about incompetence and more about control. It is not my place to judge how another couple prioritizes their roles within the family, but when a real or perceived imbalance causes the mother to put herself in a potentially dangerous situation because she feels she has to (out of necessity or pride) perhaps those priorities need to be reexamined.

The bigger issue to me, though, was that there were so many responses to the original post -- the sheer number of which suggesting how many women just normalize this kind of behavior. The notion that mothers have these otherworldly powers that allow them to rise above pain for the sake of running a home and a family is an unfair narrative that makes others question whether they are enough.  There is even a sense of confidence and pride that rises from falling on the proverbial sword.  A quick Google search returned over 100,000,000 results on shirts aimed at that exact market.  Bearing slogans such as "Tired as a Mother", "Mama Needs Coffee", "Being a Mom Makes My Life Complete", and more, these mantras create an identity that overshadows all else.  Believe me, I am beyond grateful to have Little Man in my life and to get to share his journey with him.  However, I feel like there is so much more to me than that.  Many women choose to stay at home to be full-time parents and I applaud them for that -- but does that still mean they have to lose some of their shine?  Or is that what makes them shine the most?  Being a good parent should not solely be measured in sacrifices made. Many of the mothers who posted told their stories so casually, as if it would be more surprising to question these situations rather than to just sigh and accept them as another piece of motherhood. I don't doubt that all of these women see themselves as good mothers, and it's not mine to say that they aren't -- but if this is considered the only benchmark for being a good mother I do not know if I have the ability or desire to reach for that goal.  

I understand the appeal of satire, particularly on social media, where more likes equals more validation.  There is a real possibility that some of the responses to the original Tweet were overstatements at best and exaggerations at worst, but there is also no doubt that many of those stories were 100% real.  I believe in choice and for those who wish or who must make the choices shared, I can only send them all positive thoughts.  Circumstances are not always ideal, and at the end of the day we all make do with what we have.  For some of the stories, I saw that it wasn't about glorifying motherhood but instead highlighting that not all villages are equal...and for some there is no village at all.  I do not want to make it seem that I am shaming those who put their hearts and souls into their families; I would hope that one day Little Man feels that I loved him enough to do the same.  That being said, I need to keep some of my heart and soul for myself.  I draw a line of distinction between those who are because of versus in spite of; to those who are in difficult or impossible situations, I see you and have so much respect for you.  I guess to me it's less about the what is shared and more about the how and why it is shared; perspective and perception are key.  Putting all that out there for the world to see invites a lot of thought and reflection (present blog company included). For those who need empathy or understanding -- I hope you find it.  For those who seek admiration -- is that the kind of admiration that makes it worthwhile?  If it is, then I'm glad for that for you.

Even as I write this I waver as to how it will land -- will it come across as judgey or privileged, which is really not my intent?  Rather, I feel it's a necessary thought exercise into personal and societal expectations.  In reading the original Twitter replies I alternately found myself shaking my head and questioning if I would do the same...and if I didn't, then perhaps I wasn't really a mom after all.  In the reflection that came with writing all of this down I realized that was exactly the point.  It shouldn't be indicative of motherhood being an either/or choice, but it also shouldn't be about no choice.  It should be about supporting all families however they need and sharing stories with the world for the sake of being real, not for the sake of content.