Maximum Capacity

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Little Man asked me to put him to bed a few nights ago.  This was quite unusual -- other than drill weekends, Husband has put him to bed every night since returning from his deployment.  Some nights it's just assumed, other nights we ask.  Either way, Little Man is fine saying good night to me as he goes into his room.  That night, though, was different.  While there's no way to know for sure, I'm guessing I know why.

This is a hard time of year for teachers.  Along with the excitement of Halloween, we face the end of first quarter and parent-teacher conferences.  The program where I teach operates a bit differently, and as a result this year I had nearly fifty conferences to hold over the course of two weeks.  While I did several through email, a majority were either in-person or on Zoom.  To make that all work I had to spend several long days at school and ended up missing gymnastics classes, music classes, and dinners.  The first night of that long haul was so draining I was fast asleep by 7:30pm, and while the exhaustion didn't fade until the last conference wrapped I found it harder and harder to sleep.  The stress of being prepared for so many meetings coupled with the guilt at not being home kept me up, and some nights after work I just needed to breathe and sit without saying anything to anyone before coming home.  It's not like I haven't done this before -- 20 years in, I've met with hundreds of families.  However, these conferences require so much bandwidth that I have little left for anything else.  Prior to Little Man it was much easier to recharge each night.  Now, though, I find that pouring out so much to support others' families leaves me with little for my own.

Husband was an absolute trouper.  He handled daycare pick-ups, cooking, laundry, and more as I slowly shuffled through the door each night.  Getting up early to work out was not even an option, as I desperately needed the extra rest.  Little Man was always happy to see me, but our time was limited to getting ready to start and end the day.  He was seemingly enjoying his extra guy time with Daddy, and he always accepted my explanations about having to work late.  So perhaps that's why I was so caught off guard by his request to put him to bed.  While it naturally warmed my heart, it also broke it just a little.

We are grateful he has a daycare that loves on him, and while he doesn't always want to go he accepts that all three of us are headed to our "jobs" for the day.  I also know that despite his insistence on staying home some days there is no way any of us would be happy trying to sustain that existence -- he is a social guy who loves being with friends and learning, and figuring out how to share the spotlight will serve him well down the road.  He didn't say he missed me, but him needing me in that moment told me so much.  Work/life balance is the eternal dilemma, and while I certainly don't usually get it right it helps to know that Little Man can show me by pulling me closer rather than pushing me away.

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