Why?
Husband and I had a lovely morning hiking. We came home to a nice lunch and are getting ready to head to a special concert at the symphony tonight. It's a three-day weekend for me. Ought to be a great day, right?
Well, I messed up by looking at social media...and learned that a coworker is expecting a baby. I knew it was coming; this coworker hasn't been married long and was quickly adapting to a new role as a stepparent. I figured it was only a matter of time before they decided to welcome a little one together -- I even told other coworkers about my prediction that they would want to start a family sooner rather than later. This is just one of those times where it feels awful being right.
Even though I half-expected it (and I know that just because I can't have a baby doesn't mean the whole world as to stop having babies just to make me feel better about it) I reacted. It started as anger -- irrational anger, I fully admit -- and escalated to overwhelming sadness. I broke down and sobbed. There are still tears as I write this. It just doesn't feel fair. I'm not saying that this person doesn't deserve to welcome a child, I want that to be clear. It's just not fair that it's not me. It feels like this big cosmic reminder that for some reason Husband and I aren't good enough or worthy enough or healthy enough or whatever enough to have it happen for us. We're good people -- we work hard, we help others when we can, we do our best to be strong -- but it just doesn't seem to matter. There ought to be plenty of love in this world to go around, yet somehow we don't get to have our share. Despite getting over the disappointment of not being matched last month and taking small steps towards some sort of new normal that doesn't involve hovering over the phone, today was an absolute gut punch of a reminder that we've put in so much and still have nothing to show for it...or that we may never have anything to show for it other than money and time spent and broken hearts.
I now fear having to put on a happy face at work. I'll have to smile when hearing about pregnancy updates and try to find a way to politely decline attending or even helping to host the baby shower that is guaranteed to come. Perhaps it's petty of me, but I imagine ruining a happy event with an emotional breakdown would not endear me to anyone. Besides, I can't help but feeling like it should have been my announcement or my baby shower. I know jealously isn't attractive, but human nature can be a real beast sometimes. I now have to somehow be that person who is positive about everything despite having the world crumbling down all around. I don't know if I can be that person, but I guess I don't have any choice.
Well, I messed up by looking at social media...and learned that a coworker is expecting a baby. I knew it was coming; this coworker hasn't been married long and was quickly adapting to a new role as a stepparent. I figured it was only a matter of time before they decided to welcome a little one together -- I even told other coworkers about my prediction that they would want to start a family sooner rather than later. This is just one of those times where it feels awful being right.
Even though I half-expected it (and I know that just because I can't have a baby doesn't mean the whole world as to stop having babies just to make me feel better about it) I reacted. It started as anger -- irrational anger, I fully admit -- and escalated to overwhelming sadness. I broke down and sobbed. There are still tears as I write this. It just doesn't feel fair. I'm not saying that this person doesn't deserve to welcome a child, I want that to be clear. It's just not fair that it's not me. It feels like this big cosmic reminder that for some reason Husband and I aren't good enough or worthy enough or healthy enough or whatever enough to have it happen for us. We're good people -- we work hard, we help others when we can, we do our best to be strong -- but it just doesn't seem to matter. There ought to be plenty of love in this world to go around, yet somehow we don't get to have our share. Despite getting over the disappointment of not being matched last month and taking small steps towards some sort of new normal that doesn't involve hovering over the phone, today was an absolute gut punch of a reminder that we've put in so much and still have nothing to show for it...or that we may never have anything to show for it other than money and time spent and broken hearts.
I now fear having to put on a happy face at work. I'll have to smile when hearing about pregnancy updates and try to find a way to politely decline attending or even helping to host the baby shower that is guaranteed to come. Perhaps it's petty of me, but I imagine ruining a happy event with an emotional breakdown would not endear me to anyone. Besides, I can't help but feeling like it should have been my announcement or my baby shower. I know jealously isn't attractive, but human nature can be a real beast sometimes. I now have to somehow be that person who is positive about everything despite having the world crumbling down all around. I don't know if I can be that person, but I guess I don't have any choice.
Comments
Post a Comment