Three Years

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Three years ago today we started trying to have a baby.  I already knew today would be hard, but I had no idea.  Today we had to notify our agency that we intend to renew our home study.  Realistically I knew we wouldn't match quickly and would need to anyways, but a small part of me hoped I was wrong.  I was already feeling low when one of the Facebook groups posted a situation with a expectant family right here in our state.  Perfect, right?  I added a comment, then watched the list of comments grow...and grow...and grow.  In half an hour there were over 200 other hopeful adoptive parents, including several from our state; after an hour, that number jumped to over 300.  I feel like it's over before it's even begun.

What a horribly defeatist attitude, I know.  I have to be strong and optimistic, but truth be told I don't know if I can.  I knew going into this journey it would be hard, but nothing prepares you for the reality.  I'm once again back to obsessively checking my phone and email for a message I know in my gut isn't coming.  Days like today destroy my confidence.  I feel so inadequate and small, that I'm holding out for a miracle that will never happen.  Like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, I tell myself that this time will be different...and it never is.  This happening today, of all days, just makes it that much harder.  Three years ago I had such high hopes; I didn't know I'd be in this dark place feeling so lost and empty.  Maybe tomorrow will look a little brighter, but today all I see is rain.

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