Happy Birthday to Me

-

Today is my 39th birthday.  It's hard to believe another year has gone by, and even harder to believe that I will be 40 in (technically) less than a year.  I received many lovely messages from friends, family, colleagues, and students -- quite welcome after a tumultuous start to an unconventional school year.  I've never been ashamed of my age, and people are often surprised to learn I'm older than I look.  A small part of me hoped I'd receive the gift of some sort of positive adoption news today, but I knew the chances were slim.  Thankfully I've had other distractions to steal my focus.

I want this so badly to be our year.  The prospect of being a parent is alternately exciting and terrifying, but for some reason the idea of being a parent at the age of 40 is even scarier.  I know many people who are happy, healthy, energetic parents later in life, but I don't think it's the age itself that bothers me.  There is something about that number that makes me think about how much life I've lived and how much I truly have left.  I certainly try not to dwell on the morbid, but I can see now how easily a mid-life crisis can make a sudden appearance.  I'm increasingly convinced that if we are lucky enough to adopt, we won't have the emotional reserves to try again.  We've discussed how long we are willing to put ourselves through this, and we've agreed that once our home study permanently expires in four years we will walk away.  If parenting at age 40 is nerve-wracking, I can only imagine how I would feel about parenting at 43.

We've agreed that if we do have to walk away, we will take three weeks to ourselves, buy plane tickets, and try to escape reality for just a bit.  I hate that we have an end game, but I'm also relieved.  We have to take care of ourselves, and putting ourselves through the ringer indefinitely won't accomplish that.  So for now all I can do is take a deep breath and face this final year of my 30s -- may it bring me the only gift I really want.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let's Pretend!

-
One of Little Man's favorite phrases lately is, "Let's pretend.."  Sometimes the phrase is followed by, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to myself" -- although a moment later I'm obviously expected to be part of the conversation.  Little Man's stories certainly run the gamut, from tales of heroic acts to ferocious bear hunts to mysterious worlds on the other side of the cracks in our fence.  He talks of his older sister and what her life must be like, as well as reporting the goings on of his daycare friends.  He is quite insistent that his version of the world is true, and there are times where perhaps that would be preferable. This type of creativity is something teachers like to call "a rich inner life".  At this age it's beautiful and entertaining look at a developing mind.  Many argue that the structure of education and its path to college or career prioritizes logic over whimsy, even as more and more businesses find tha...
Read more

Fantastic Four

-
Last year Little Man's third birthday was on Mother's Day  -- this year the celebrations are just one day apart.  He's another year older and -- at least in his mind -- another year wiser.  Looking at him I don't see much difference, but holding up pictures from last year to now it's a shock.  His vocabulary, his interests, his emotions; everything about him is big and getting bigger.  His independence is reassuring and scary, such as when he takes off at warp speed down a busy street or is very insistent in telling me that stomping his foot in rhythm with Lady Gaga is not the same as finding the beat of a Lady Gaga song (both true stories that occurred on the same day).  Needless to say, he keeps me constantly on my toes.  No one can make me laugh harder or clench my jaw tighter than he can. Little Man, on your fourth birthday I wish you the space to continue spreading your wings along with the peace you seek when emotions feel too overwhelming. ...
Read more

The Storm

-
Yesterday our city experienced a severe storm; it has yet to be called a tornado, but winds were incredibly strong.  I was in my classroom planning when the sirens went off; moments later we got the call to move to our designated shelter location.  The energy was different as both students and teachers could tell this wasn't just a drill.  We ended up sitting in a small hallway together for nearly an hour as warnings popped up on phones, then changed, then got pushed back.  A few students got upset, and some enjoyed the adventure of missing class.  We did our best to keep everyone calm and entertained, including playing 20 Questions and Guess the Animal.  Our lights went out a few times but never for long, and our emergency lights always came through as needed.  Finally, stiff and sore, we managed to get ourselves back to class and to some semblance of schedule.  After that hour spent with students I realized I focused all of my mental energy on t...
Read more