The Big 4-0

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I am officially 40 years old.

Wow, it seems so strange to say that.  I am writing this in a beautiful hotel room, part of a weekend of gifts from my amazing husband. It is odd being away from him and Little Man, but the space and solitude feel lovely. We will spend time together as a family and my wonderful parents will baby-sit so that Husband and I can have our first date since Little Man was born. I've found myself checking in often in the hope Little Man is sleeping and eating ok, and I certainly have found myself missing both of my guys. However, the ability to walk around and enjoy a good meal when I feel like it, have a drink while reading a book, and sleep without interruption feels luxurious. If this is 40, it ain't a bad way to start.

I've never really been hung up on age before, but this year hits quite differently. I know a big part of that is having Little Man here now. Last year and the year before I wrote about my birthday in slightly hopeful but dejected terms -- as our adoption journey stretched on, getting another year older was harder to take. I also worried about how I would be as an older mother. Well, now I know...

These last four months have been hard -- full stop. Yes I'm grateful and have had so many moments with Little Man that filled my heart. However, I think it's important not to gloss over reality. Do I think this would have felt different had I experienced it when I was younger? I honestly don't know. I do have to wonder how I would have handled the process as my younger self. I definitely notice my age during a 2am feeding or when bending down to lift Little Man from his crib. I won't even get into the thoughts of how old I'll be when he graduates high school. So in some ways I'm keenly aware of being 40.

In other ways, though, I'm not. Those who believe that things happen the way they do for a reason might say I wasn't meant to be a mom until now.  If age is all in the mind then being with Little Man can keep me young at heart. 

So 40 is...40. That's all. I'm in a new phase of my life, and it just happens to be now. Here's to new beginnings!

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