284 Days

284 days.  That's how long Husband was gone.

While it was no secret, we chose not to publicly announce on any platform that Husband was deployed.  My trip to Poland several months ago wasn't just for the love of travel; it was the only chance I would have to see him over the course of nine months.  Little Man didn't even get that opportunity, so those 284 days must have felt like a lifetime.

The news of Husband's deployment, his first, came out of nowhere. We spent months preparing for something we didn't fully understand. Had it just been me, I suppose I could have managed alright -- lots of quiet nights on the couch with take-out and the cat would have been tolerable. Navigating this with Little Man, however, was another thing. Thanks to advice from friends we did our best to support him -- getting him a Daddy Doll, having Husband record stories that he could watch, picking out gifts Husband could "give" him from afar. For awhile his departure date seemed far enough away that I could pretend to forget about it...until it wasn't.

The day he left is still a hard memory. My biggest fear was how Little Man would react as his best friend had to walk away and not turn back for him. I cried myself to sleep the night before and spent most of the departure ceremony trying to not to draw attention to myself as the tears continued to flow. As that dreaded moment approached I just kept wondering how I was going to put my little boy's heart back together as mine fell apart. Somehow, Little Man made it through saying good bye without an issue; I guess his lack of understanding was what protected him. As we drove home I was hit with the full force of my new reality, and walking into an empty house felt unreal.

I know there are moments in the past I've labeled as the hardest ever in my life, but this one left all the rest far behind.  Being away from our best friend/best father/best husband/best everything was devastating.  Husband missed all three of our birthdays, our anniversary, holidays, Family Day, and more.  He also missed the heartbreaking moments, like when emotions overwhelmed both Little Man and I to the point where I couldn't be there for him as the parent he needed because I was unable to even be there for myself.  Self care was often nonexistent as I balanced work and a toddler.  Husband took little comfort in the important work he was doing when he couldn't really share it with us long distance, and he felt powerless to be there for us as we struggled.  For better or worse Little Man and I became a team of two -- whether we wanted to be or not.  We were on an emotional roller coaster that seemingly had no end in sight.  Technology was an absolute privilege as we struggled through differing time zones and inconsistent signals to stay connected. Slowly, the weeks and months began to tick away.

However, through the difficulties came breakthroughs.  Meals, texts, cards, and little gifts appeared from friends and loved ones.  I found ways to streamline efforts and to accept that the house wouldn't always be clean or that dinners could be as simple as PBJs.  I learned how to do things around the house thanks to advice from others or -- in desperate cases -- from YouTube.  For all his big emotions Little Man also started carving out a path towards the person he is destined to become.  So many times I told myself I couldn't do this, but without any other choice we started each day anew as the calendar slowly moved forward.  At the same time Husband got to see parts of the world he never thought he would, and he felt as if he was truly making a difference.  He saw his training come to fruition and got to see its impact firsthand.  All three of us learned that we can do hard things; we can emphatically say that we made it through.

284 days took us through every season of life, figuratively and literally.  There was never a moment where the enormity of Husband being gone didn't weigh on me.  Being reunited lifted some of that burden, but truth be told this particular journey isn't over yet.  Having him home is wonderful, but things can't just go back to the way they were.  All three of us were changed by this experience, and now comes the time where we get to know each other again -- as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.  This final phase is where we actually learn the most about ourselves.  In the lowest moments it was all about survival, as all energy was directed towards protection and precluded any logical thought.  Now that we can breathe again we can appreciate how each of those 284 days came together in a beautifully scary way with the power to make us grow more than we ever thought possible.

On Husband's first night home we looked through an album of 284 photos and memories that represented the important and mundane events that occurred while we were apart.  To hold that many photos as a representation of all of those days was surreal, as was suddenly hearing someone else's voice in the other room or seeing an unfamiliar pair of shoes in the hallway.  For all its angst and uncertainty, the finish line of that 284th day -- watching Little Man excitedly call out "Daddy!' and run towards him for the first of many hugs -- was sweeter than any gift we could ever receive.  We aren't so naïve to think the coming days and weeks will magically be a seamless transition, but for one instant life was perfect.

284 days.  That's how long Husband was gone...and now we intend to make it all up tenfold.