Thrown in Reverse

I recently wrote about Little Man's increasing awareness of skin color and differences between us, and it seems the awareness is now happening in many other ways.  Recently I went to pick him up from daycare and walked in at the same time as another parent. I had not met her before, but given the size of the classes and the varying schedules that's not unusual; the students can easily identify whose parent is whose, although we parents often can't do the same.  The other parent walked in slightly ahead of me, and as her child ran to her Little Man ran to me.  The parent glanced at me and mumbled something along the lines of, "That's why [my daughter] calls you [Little Man's] white mama."

To be fair, the other parent said something else that was hard to catch, but the rest was unmistakable -- something about same hair color (perhaps she and I, since we somewhat do), so she wasn't sure why I was being referred to as white.  I'm presuming positive intent, but it was a good reminder that it is easy to presume without taking a beat to consider otherwise.  Now, I suppose it's really not a first instinct to think a child is adopted or is part of a transracial family or anything like that -- I completely understand that, statistically, it's just not as likely.  However, that train of thought can easily lead to microaggressions (even subconsciously).  Growing up Jewish in a very non-Jewish area, it was just presumed that I celebrated Christmas; the realization I didn't meant scrambling to adjust, which often led to even more discomfort despite the intention.  Presumption is also a lot more likely when there is no physical indication of anything other than the majority or status quo; it can be hard to move through life constantly questioning and creating something out of nothing.  Sometimes, though, it isn't nothing.

I've tried to do my best to use neutral language and examples in my classroom and with Little Man just for this reason -- lack of specificity is sometimes more inclusive than it might seem.  It takes asking questions and being aware to at least be open to more than the ordinary.  I have no idea what else, if anything, the girl in Little Man's class has mentioned me or him at home; if I'm to give myself the same grace, then I have to admit it may not have occurred to me that Little Man's or my presence at daycare has ever been cause for mention.  I do know that our family draws attention when we are all together, with questions ranging from, "Is he adopted?" to much more invasive (as I once described here).  While growing up as well as now I always prefer people to ask and to learn rather than to draw their own conclusions, there is a difference between asking questions to learn and asking questions to pry.  Clearly this blog has thrown open the book on our lives, but our story is not anyone else's story.  Opening a small window can make it easier to open bigger windows, leading to doors.  No one is owed any part of Little Man's story that he doesn't want to share, but he is due the respect of acknowledging that his path is just as valid as any other.