A Month of Months

November is a lot.  It's National Adoption Month (which I've written about here, here and here) as well as Military Family Appreciation Month.  Normally I'd try to find time to say something about those things, but this time around I'm just too tired.  The confluence of these two events comes at a time where I am muddling through at best; personally and professionally I'm in a fog that is slowly wearing me down.  While there are moments that Little Man is an absolute joy that cuts through the exhaustion, there are other moments where he is the sole cause.  Husband is often thanked for his service this time of year, and rightfully so.  I've been thanked as well, which up until now has been hard to reconcile; this year is the first time I've had to at least try to do so.  November has become this strange tipping point for me, except I don't know which way I'll end up sliding next.

This particular phase in life -- for both me and Little Man -- has been one of the hardest.  As Little Man learns how to navigate emotions he can't yet name, I find that despite being able to name what I feel I'm just as lost (if not more so).  Recently at school we completed an activity based on the movie "Inside Out" that helps recognize and process overlapping emotions, and the irony that the last several months I've been living out that lesson is not lost on me.  My appreciation for Husband's service and my joy at being Little Man's parent are tempered by the weight that both of those things bear.  Being an adoptive family or a military family is often thought of in big-picture terms, but the day-to-day realities of both are sometimes overlooked.  The minutia emerges in the times no one is watching and can sometimes even catch me by surprise, causing me to think about both constantly.  At work I'm regularly getting updates from daycare or trying to best plan what little time I have after a long day to get everything done; physical distance does little to create any emotional distance.  I also have to be more intentional in my words or actions; for instance, today Little Man wore a vest and shoes that had camouflage on them.  My instinct would be to say that he looks like Husband, but I know I have to instead say his clothes look like Daddy's uniform.  He loves the idea of matching Daddy, but even at this young age he is aware that he doesn't look like him and never will.  One small phrase requires so much more thought now, and when my emotional bandwidth is already pushed to the max my exhaustion is compounded. 

Certainly there are things to look forward to in November, as the first semester of school rushes by and the promise of some time off inches closer.  I still feel my heart swell as Little Man runs to me when I pick him up from daycare, and there are some days when I feel accomplished rather than depleted.  I'm really trying hard to practice what I preach with students and find my own means of regulating my emotions -- not how I feel, because feelings are ok, but what I do with those feelings.  Sometimes the emotions get the better of me, which means Little Man gets less of me than he deserves.  At a time where my roles as as an adoptive parent or military spouse (roles which, incidentally, shouldn't require any sort of qualifier yet the month deems otherwise) are suddenly in the spotlight, strengths and flaws are amplified.   Louisa May Alcott once wrote, "November is the most disagreeable month in the whole year."  I guess, in my own existential way, that rings a bit true.