Rooted in Love

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Little Man's birthday has always coincided with Mother's Day; he was born the Wednesday after Mother's Day, which has always been a happy memory for me. That Mother's Day before his birth was filled with uncertainty. We knew his due date, and we had shared with a few people privately that he was on the way. However, we also kept the news under wraps because we understood the unpredictability that the birth could bring. I had been away on a lovely weekend with friends that Mother's Day, where only one friend was aware that he was even a possibility. To hear them talk that weekend of what they loved about motherhood while also enjoying a little bit of time away was such a surreal feeling for me. On the one hand, I felt so certain that the following year that would be me, but on the other hand I protected my heart knowing how easily certainty can hurt (as I wrote about before Little Man was born).

To now be just a few days away from his fifth birthday seems unreal. A friend jokingly demanded a recount when I mentioned how old he was turning, and it was funny because it was true. How has it been 5 years since that first almost-Mother's Day? I still recall the difficulty of those early dark days. I almost feel guilty celebrating today, knowing all of those who have been on similarly difficult paths. To get to see things from the other side when others don't always have that luxury is something I never want to forget. It's not that I want to dull the sparkle of my celebration, but I also don't want to take things for granted or suddenly turn my back on those who deserve to be seen and heard today. Having the chance to be a mother at all is so special, and to now have a collection of five Mother's Days is a milestone I can't believe I reached. 

Being with him today has felt somehow different. I've watched him play a million times before, but five years of it seems like such an amazing and unsettling number. Perhaps it's because of everything else that turning five brings. The baby gates and monitors are gone, the sleepless nights are over, and to hear him tell a story is like talking to someone I've known for so much longer. I'm not sure this day will ever feel anything less than complex, but I am grateful to process it this year and every year to come. 

Traditionally, a fifth anniversary gift is wood, because it represents a deeply rooted relationship. On this fifth Mother's Day anniversary, a seed that was planted so long ago is continuing to grow and strengthen in ways I never imagined. To know Little Man is to love him, and I am grateful to be in his orbit.

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