A Sixth November

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November once again means National Adoption Month -- I've amassed a collection of posts about that at this point (2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, and 2019).  I wasn't really sure what I thought about it this year, but just looking back on all of my previous posts is quite eye-opening.  It's not just about what I've learned, but more the fact that I've had reason to even contemplate this month for so many years.  While I certainly don't want to center my relationship with Little Man on the fact that he's adopted, it's impossible to dismiss every time he makes an observation about skin color or talks about his biological family.  As he gets older and engages more with people around him I can often see unasked questions in their eyes.  I wonder if his mannerisms were imprinted on him before he ever existed or if one day there will be a call or knock at the door from a long-lost connection to his history.

And then there was today...while watching the Chiefs game Little Man got a little too in my personal space so I asked him to stop. He replied, "I want my mama." Curiously but hesitantly, I told him I was right there. "No," he said. "My other mama." When asked again, he confirmed he meant his birth mother. Upon asking why he wanted her, he told me he loves her.

I paused, knowing I needed to be measured in my response without revealing how hard that had hit me. I told him I understood he wanted her and it was ok to love someone he didn't even know. He thought on that for a minute before responding that now he loved me. Worried I had gone too far, I reminded him that he could have love in his heart for both of us, just like we could both love him. That seemed to satisfy him and he went back to the game, but I couldn't (and not just because the Chiefs were being handed a loss).

At this age I know he isn't trying to sling arrows; however, I also have to prepare myself for the day that he might. Of course he is at the age where he starts calling me mean when he doesn't get his way just to gauge my reaction, but this isn't that. He has every right to feel connected to his birth mother and to love an illusion or to resent me for not being her. His allegiance could very easily shift based on real or perceived injustices, or perhaps he really can find space to hold us both. To process all this during this month is particularly bittersweet, as it reaffirms the complexity that is adoption. I leave this National Adoption Month with more questions than answers.


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